to trust in man depletes my joy
but trust in the Lord completes my joy
the ways of man will undo my life
but the way of the Lord will renew my life!

i love you, oh Lord, my strength
my fortress in whom I take refuge
Lord you are worthy of praise
salvation from death overwhelming

You part the heavens and come down
soaring on the wings of the wind
you voice throughout the earth resounds
shining light to cleanse me from my sin

to trust in man depletes my joy
but trust in the Lord completes my joy
the ways of man will undo my life
but the way of the Lord will renew my life!

i love you, oh Lord, my strength
my fortress in whom i take refuge
Lord you are worthy of praise
salvation from death overwhelming

you light my lamp
turn dark to light
give me your shield
of victory
you make a path
and give me strength
and i will praise you among all the nations
i will sing praise to your name

i love you, oh Lord, my strength
my fortress in whom i take refuge
Lord you are worthy of praise
salvation from death overwhelming!

to trust in man depletes my joy
but trust in the Lord completes my joy
the ways of man will undo my life
but the way of the Lord will renew my life!

i love you, oh Lord, my strength
my fortress in whom i take refuge
Lord you are worthy of praise
salvation from death overwhelming!

Surfacing Again

live in light of hope
reaching out to find
just what is the scope
of all that's on my mind

(try and find a way
in all that i've dreamed
and i'm praying
we can be saved
that we'll be together
not straying)


i fear my past
dark cloud, shadows falling
of all i've been haunted to know
wonder, "can this last"
or will their sins capture me
restrain me, and not let me grow


(try and find a way
in all that i've dreamed
and i'm praying
we can be saved
that we'll be together
not straying)

questions linger
and i'm overwhelmed
lost in emotion
as my heart pounds
how could i know
it was you all along
what will i do
if my reason is wrong

(not drowning in their past
i'm surfacing again...)

Expectations

i try and try again
left wond'ring what here is my sin
am i placing too much into the hands of others?

turn to myself and look inside
for the answers that my soul hides
reach for something to possibly explain
and i find that i'm here and i'm asking myself again

what are expectations
and why do i maintain them
when no one has yet met them
and do i expect too much?

but what is unrealistic
about wanting what i see
in everyone else who's around me
or do i dream too much?

now i'm asking why again
running a race i'll never win
find a new approach, seek answers from another

turn to my friend and search their eyes
for the answers that their soul hides
reach for something to possibly explain
and i find that i'm here and i'm asking myself again

can i find the answers
is someone there who knows them
some one who will show them
to help my eyes to see?

and what is so demanding
about wanting to be normal
and trying to be accepted
while still remaining me?

i begin to cry again
about ready to give in
remember i can still inquire from one other

Lord Jesus you alone are wise
for the truth in love you never hide
find my answers
and i'll no longer have to ask myself again


what are expectations
and why do i maintain them
when no one has yet met them
and do i expect too much?

when you have bled and died for me
i thank you Lord for letting me see
that you are all that's good for me
eternal and unchanging

--------------------------------------------

The Greatest

i cant believe i actually assumed that you were telling me the truth
when i knew the words i had heard had no effect on you
your silly mask of pretending that for one moment you had cared
i thought i trusted you and now i stand and leave you my soul bared

you are the greatest
you are the greatest
you were the greatest
lie within your every word
full of yourself and not thinking about what pretending to care just might do
and now i turn my back on you

i can't believe i actually embraced the thought of knowing you
when i knew that in my head i never saw it as truth
your silly jump to your conclusions that i'd ever go that far
i thought i knew you but now all can see exactly what you are

you are the greatest
you are the greatest
you were the greatest
lie within your every word
lack of any thought about what pretending to care just might do
and now i turn my back on you and your

how is it that you can just turn away
not listen to the words i have to say
i just don't know how
don't know how to make the pain of feeling lied to go away

you are the greatest
the greatest
you are the greatest
you are the greatest
you were the greatest

lie
-----------------------------------------

Rain

I sit at my window
and watch the rain fall
washing away the dust
that marks so much grief and despair

so i raise my eyes toward heaven
and cry out
cry out
rain on me
wash away my iniquity

rain on me
wash away my iniquity

rain on me

still here at my window
the sun's breaking through the clouds
the earth is made anew
the sins of the past
they're erased
erased
-----------------------------------------

Until We Meet Again

so long after so long together
every storm that we have weathered
but now we're at a fork in the road
i cant describe how much it hurts to see you go

and i'll hold on to these memories
until the day i die
though now we go our separate ways
before we all start to cry
remember as we part today
that this is not goodbye

now it's all gone after all we've gone through
and i want to say how much i'll miss you
but know that we will meet again
and i can't wait for that day but until then

i'll hold on to these memories
until the day i die
though now we go our separate ways
before we all start to cry
remember as we part today
that this is not goodbye

'cause i know that this is not forever
and before you know it we'll be back together

and i'll hold on to these memories
until the day i die
though now we go our separate ways
before we all start to cry
remember as we part today
that this is not goodbye
------------------------------------------

Father

sitting, scarred in a corner
silent, scared, confused
nobody could warn her
by him she'd been abused

how can you do this
and still call yourself father
say you raise me up in love
when all i've been is hurt

untrusting and afraid
she wipes away her tears
looks at the cuts he's made
her mind is locked by fear

how can you do this
to your own blood
why even acknowledge me
if this is your love

how can you do this
i thought i was yours
but i wont take this
from you anymore
------------------------------------

Smile

i remember a day
riding on a bus
her behind me
devious grin
taking photographs
sitting by a wall
drawing pictures
hair in her face
looking up at me
breaking into a smile

she's beautiful but doesn't see it
she's genius in denial
she's everything that is lovely
my heart beats just to see her smile

i remember the way
it hurt to see her pain
warm embrace
collecting tears
no time for photographs
standing by a rail
soul bared
wind in her face
looking down at me
still managing to smile

she's beautiful but she wont see it
she's genius in denial
she's everything that is lovely
my heart beats just to see her smile

you're beautiful so please see it
you're genius so stop your denial
i love you now and for always
so grace me once more with your smile
-------------------------------------------

All of the words above have been set to music and recorded. If you would like to hear them, please, go to my soundclick page at http://www.soundclick.com/naikuu and give them a good honest listen. They're all from many different stages of my life, some back from as early as 7th grade. please, let me know what you think. artists crave commentary. i want to know someone's observed and interpreted my art. it took a lot of work to put 'em to music and get 'em all recorded. even if you've seen or heard these before. now you might have a newer perspective. check 'em out. please. :)

you stick out as such a stark contrast
i should have known that your love would not last
and though i shout you only turn away
i'm left standing here with nothing to say

and i don't know why
it had to be you
'cos all your words
they're ringing untrue

and your apathy
it's killing me
i move on 'cause with you there is nothing to see
and your apathy
i can't believe
that you'd just stand there and stare right past me

months waiting just to see you once more
i should have know that you'd show me the door
and though i cry, my screams receive your blank stare
now i wonder if you ever cared

and i don't know why
it had to be you
'cos all your words
they're ringing untrue

and your apathy
it's killing me
i move on 'cause with you there is nothing to see
and your apathy
i can't believe
that you'd just stand there and stare right past me

and your apathy
i can't just leave
i hold on 'cause i still have hope and you'll see
your apathy
i still believe
that maybe one day you'll listen to me

(i did not write this, it is by snow patrol.)

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness [x2]

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness [x2]

with either way you bend
it seems i always cling
i dont know if the end
gives worth to all the means
the ups, the downs,
the in-betweens
with you there are
no in-betweens

and i know, i know
below the skin
i know there is something within
i know, i know
beneath the lies
i know there is a heart inside

and in my hands i hold
this brittle light of hope
ignoring all i'm told
though obvious it seems
the highs, the lows
and all the dreams
with you there are
only dreams

and i know, i know
below the skin
i know there is something within
i know, i know
beneath the lies
i know there is a heart inside

and holding on
to what's not real
is like a safety bar
i like my false security
in your roller coaster car
and letting go
by the advice of
those in whom i confide
just doesnt seem to
sound as good
as your roller coaster ride

intricately interwoven incisions
meticulously molded around
delicately dictated designs
this facade, flawlessly formed
body built brick by brick
hands heedfully hewn
flawless feet form the foundation
lifelike limbs lingering
in perfectly placed pose
artistry articulated
visually vocalised
singing songs
for the eyes

Did you know...: tidwell was made to look like a bible between two bookends..
How I feel: sick
What's resonating in my head: snow patrol - chasing cars

it's true i can not see you but
i feel you all around
for the first time in my life
i am on solid ground
with you here to hold me up
i'm finally free of fear
and i long to drink from your cup
you're all that i hold dear

beauty that's beyond mortality
and you care
i am in awe of this reality
and know you're there


there's few who try to see you but
still you're all around
wondering about their lives
while stumbling on the ground
they wont ask you to lift them up
because they live in fear
they hold on to a bitter cup
the poison they hold dear

you offer immortality
they don't care
stuck in their old mentality
deny you're there

(note: i wrote this like 2 months ago so don't assume some recent even inspired it)

you see your guilt laid before you
the play is the thing
wherein i'll catch the conscience of the king
as it was said, the play is played out
and you see your actions before you
like Nathan before King David

what is it that toils within you?
you hate the man you see on stage
what is it that boils within you?
your hatred is igniting rage

is it that you hate what you have done?
is it that you can not stand
knowing that you are the one to blame
knowing that you are the cause of pain
so instead you 'll hurt and blame those around you?

Claudius can you not see
that others feel as you do
that others hurt like you
that others have ambition
that others have desires
that others love, hate, live, die
you are not the only one
though everyone acts
as if it were that way
but can't you see, King Claudius,
that what you've done is still wrong
and that all will pay the price
now you've caught them in your vice
you lie and scheme
and play the victim
make others beg at your feet

Claudius the King
and I now the pauper
doomed to this subservient role
to bow to the royal whim
while the unassuming look up to him
with reverence and respect
and i am in the gutter

Claudius, do not forget
we were brothers once
and i loved you as such
when 'twas you who revered me

but in midwinter my love and trust
was turned against me
your love so quickly swayed
your viper's sting upon my ear
oh Claudius, who i've held so dear
remember that truth
will always shine through
that the world
will one day see you
for all you truly are
oh Claudius, as you burn inside
remember it's you who lied
what you did to me
is done unto you
for you have poisoned yourself
believing your own lies
do not destroy those around you
with your selfish ambition
do not act as though my emotion
is a burdensome imposition
was i not murdered?
oh brother, was it not you
who stood above me as i died?
do you not cower
when you hear of my ghost?

Oh Claudius, do these words
make you feel only more guilt?
once more, as said before
the poem's the thing
wherein i'll catch the conscience of the King

King Claudius, you will be the undoing of all who try to love you
King Claudius... you'll only undo yourself

Did you know...: texas weather is crazy
How I feel: accomplished
What's resonating in my head: stuff i wrote and recorded

(read while you are listening to this. main lyrics enter at 1:03

no more running ...

you won't even look at me
but you act like nothing's wrong
though you think that i don't see
i have known it all along

i have treated you with grace
but you've made your last mistake
so we stand here face to face
and from this nightmare we will wake

it's time for you
to be responsible for what you do

you have been running
and it's all you've ever known
hiding from the truth
your real face has been unshown
falling deeper into tangled lies
now it's time to give up your disguise
you can't face the fear
and it leaves you paralyzed
now you must step up
let your conscience be your guide

no one thinks you have the strength
to make up for all you've done
but you have taken great lengths
free at last, your battle's won

know, now
you can do this
go now
find forgiveness (repeating)

there is no need to hide any longer
you have come clean, you're not weaker, you're stronger
live in the now, do not hide from your past
don't let this fade, live a life that will last
so take this lesson from what you have done
have integrity, don't live dual lives, be one
we have been waiting for you to unveil
for when your true face is shown, memory pales

now you've found hope
you're forgiven
something you'd never been shown
free from the life
you've been living
now your true colors are known

for how could anyone love you
when you wear a mask
once you show who you really are
we can love the real you at last
find your place in open arms
there for you for the first time
i knew you could overcome
and you know you will be fine

so you faced the truth
and allowed your face to show
you fell harder than you wanted to
but you found a friend to help you through
broke free from the lies
and you've found your love can grow

Did you know...: here for a bit over a week still
How I feel: artistic
What's resonating in my head: metal - me

when silence is good enough
and my longing is met
i'll soon forget this platonic embrace
which brings secret comfort
secure in your arms
and you safe in mine
for i am a lonely child
innocence marred, safety stolen
but to be near you now
to feel you breathe
erases all memory of pain and despair
here i know no shame
i wish it were the same upon waking
for daylight brings revelation
of the sorrows i'd let go
and i know my dreams are foolish thoughts
for comfort has been taken from me
and i see no sign of its return

How I feel: moody
What's resonating in my head: the fray - she is

there is an overbearing desire within me
wanting forbearance for this departure
wishing for one last time to see
those i love, before i go

the walls are wearing deep within me
the apparence of my heart slowly breaking
wishing for one last time to be
face to face, before i go

Did you know...: i'm not dead yet
How I feel: thoughtful
What's resonating in my head: vivaldi - et in terra pax hominibus

you set yourself upon your throne
you boast so your 'good' may be known
you throw yourself upon our world
so your reign may become unfurled

"i will become like the most high"
pray that someone might hear my cry!

you taint religion with your ways
and we are caught up in the fray
you drive your children into the ground
upon your head sits a broken crown

"honor thy father that his days might be long"
are you there, can you hear my sorrowful song?

i hope you know that God wont stand
to be mocked by such an arrogant man
you will be crushed, these lies will end
you will be humbled, forced to mend
all of the wrongs you've made
all your debts we've paid
i hope you feel all the lies you've spoken
for they will undo you when you're the one broken

How I feel: hungry
What's resonating in my head: clair de lune (piano) - debussy

this is not a poem

but merely an announcement

that i have made custom mood icons

and i feel pretty accomplished.

How I feel: weird

the acid sting
of disinfectant
is a necessary pain

for if avoided
and the wound left alone
it will close, yes
but it will be infected,
mangled with bacteria
and harmful scar tissue
and it will poison the body

and to reopen the wound
becomes necessary
surgery is required
and the pain will be even deeper
than if the wound had been properly treated

do not avoid the disinfecting sting...
to pull the thorn may hurt
but it prevents it from burrowing
and causing a deeper infection

where roads are no longer paved
and grass remains un-mowed
a gentle breeze caresses the fields
wave-like ripples scatter forth
as the wind paints an ever-changing picture
moving each stalk it may meet
here i sit
in the calm afternoon heat
taking in every sensation
seemingly stirred by intricacy
i am overcome, in all true fact
by simplicity

i have said i'd die for you
and now i've bled and cried for you
i've said my goodbyes for you
and i'm left wond'ring "why for you?!"

is it just that i
give too much
or is it that
you take
could it be i
care too much
is it a choice
i make
it's just i can't
help but to think
as we are sitting here
about all of the moments
that i've experienced
and that i hold dear
and i wonder
if you feel the same
or if this was
all just a game
and if you know
how much i'd give for you
i wish you'd show
that you care for me too

Did you know...: toxic epidermal necrolysis is REAL!
How I feel: content
What's resonating in my head: pink floyd - money

soft liquid
thickening
a pattern traced
as the crystal dance travels
along the surface
solidified
transformed
hardened
swirling blankets
in kaleidoscopic hues
fall softly
but burn harshly on my skin
numbed by their frost
as my lips turn blue
and i fall at your feet
frozen

slip and slide and
go for a ride
down to the waters below
run and dash and
experience the splash
and smile because you know
the temperatures may soar beyond
what anyone has seen
when it's indoors too cold or outdoors too hot
you're somewhere in between
let the waters cool you, sooth you,
and take another dive
because these waters truly move you
so you can feel alive

Did you know...: if you sit tight on your lilly pad each silly fad will pass
How I feel: exhausted
What's resonating in my head: skillet - alien youth

drifting ashes
fall from my hands
remnants of all that had once been
but the fires overcame
and i'll remember that i tried
to douse the flames as they roared
a vision of futility embodied
personified helplessness in every movement

perhaps in the end
in my paniced attempt
to hold on a little longer
i only worked
in all that i did
to make the blaze grow stronger

How I feel: exhausted
What's resonating in my head: live - lightning crashes

i would some day like to learn
just how one can truly earn
this valuable thing we hold so dear

for now i'll sit and wonder why
opportunity keeps passing by
and why it is that no one lets me near

How I feel: blah

please ignore the fact that i completely plagiarised the first 2 lines from wicked. i knew i'd probably heard them before and but i couldn't put my finger on it. but then i remembered. but it was too good.

what is this feeling?
so sudden and new
which piques my elation
when talking to you
where every word
and every phrase
keeps me hanging on
in a new kind of daze
and every thought
so patient and kind
keeps replaying itself
running through my mind
i cannot express
this newfound delight
am i falling too far,
is this even right?
but then we converse
and i remember once more
how speaking to you
strikes my very core
could this be it?
oh you who i love
could this be a sign
from the Heavens above?
i've never known
so strong an emotion
no single soul
has caused such commotion
my heart has gone wild
my mind has gone mad
for something like this
i never have had
but now that i know it
i must be on guard
for if i should lose it
i'm sure to fall, hard
so pardon me now
as i try to be me
so that now our love
will become truly free

what is the difference
between the head
and the heart?
18 inches, so hard a gap to cross
i can reach but i can't connect
i understand these words
i process them
i hear them
i know
but do i feel?
i feel these emotions
they resonate in me
they sting me
they grow
but do i understand?
to join a thought and feeling
is a task unsurmountable
yet here i sit and try
and here i sit and wonder why

overwhelming feeling
myself alone i blame
and covering my eyes
i hide my head in shame
i don't see you
when you look at me and cry
i don't hear you
when you comfort me, or try
to tell me that it's all ok
or that it's not my fault
because i always find a way
to carry all the guilt
and hang my head again
so leave me now
to wallow in my sin.

Did you know...: A watermelon is a vegetable not a fruit.
How I feel: guilty
What's resonating in my head: my thoughts